Over the past month I have been avoiding the uncomfortable.

Instead of taking time out to feel the scratchy, contracted emotion infused sensation in my stomach I have shoved food into my mouth.

Emotional eating has been my go to coping strategy for many years. It has served me well. Protected me from those uncomfortable feelings until I was ready to hold space for myself and face what lies within.

I’m a lot more aware of these eating habits than I was, thankfully!

There were times I would wake up at night and eat a chocolate bar, or cookies, or chips.  I’d wake up in the morning believing I had dreamt it until I saw the wrapper next to the bed.  The intense shame I felt was excruciating.  The guilt would scratch through my body.

The abuse I gave myself makes me really sad that I treated myself this way.

I now understand that at the time this was the only way I knew how to cope. It got me through. It helped me avoid.  But I’m choosing to no longer avoid.

So instead of beating up on myself for binge eating, I choose to hold myself in compassion.  And I choose to forgive myself which helps to transform old conditioned programs as well as shame.

Last Monday, after getting my kids off to school I came home and sat in meditation.  I needed stillness.  My heart felt exhausted.  I didn’t want to think “what do I need to do now”?  I just wanted to stop.

And then the scratchy contraction started happening.  The impulse “just get up and eat chips” was there.  How easy would it have been to eat the chips and curl up in a ball?  So tempting.

But it was not to be.  I needed to be with my Body and hold compassionate space for myself.  I didn’t want to numb myself out.  It was time to lean in and face me.

So, I allowed myself to feel, to get curious about what was in the contraction. And there it was … my friend Fear.

Fear of transformation.  Fear of letting go.  Fear of being me.  Fear of being seen.  Fear of failure.  Fear of not being good enough.  Fear of being inadequate.  Bloody hell, so much fear!!

So I embraced it with love. And I moved forward, one step in front of the other (not towards the pantry, thankfully!)

I danced.  I cried.  I vacuumed.  I cleaned out the kitty litter box.  I cleaned the laundry toilet.  I felt my exhaustion.  I felt the tightness in my belly.  I embraced it and gave it space to be.

I cried some more.  I felt the unworthiness.  I felt the inadequacy.  I felt the “I’m not good enough”.  I felt the guilt around not being an organised, perfect housewife (do they even exist?).

I felt it all.  I let the tears come.  I let the tears cleanse my heart.

And instead of eating chips, I made myself a healthy lunch. Tuna. Cucumber. Olives. Cheese. Rice crackers. This is what my Body asked for after I had cleansed my heart, soul and house.

I was grateful that I did not let the impulse of emotional eating control me.

Honestly, it’s not easy changing this “emotional eating” habit.  It takes practice.  And Self-Awareness.  It takes a lot of Self-Compassion, courage and support to face what lies within.

And it’s important to put in place other coping strategies that nourish and support your health and wellbeing.

One thing I have learnt over the years is the more I cultivate a loving compassionate relationship with my Body, my eating habits have changed.  I’m listening more to what my Body needs.  I’m making conscious choices instead of being controlled by that contracted “impulse”.

And, I acknowledge that some days I will eat chips, but I choose not to get angry at myself or feel ashamed.

If I could give one piece of advice to anyone who struggles with emotional eating, it would be … “cultivate Self-Awareness and embrace yourself with Love and Compassion.  Keep asking your Body what it needs to feel nourished and supported.  Take the time to listen.  And remember – the power to create change is within you.”

Jane

Photo by amirali mirhashemian on Unsplash